Dating and Lifestyle Blog

Approaching Women Summary Points

Hi all,
 
Here are quick summary points from my Meetup group’s Approaching Women Workshop recently. You can join the group here. 

1) Why men don’t approach

•  They’re unaware that it’s possible, especially through the day.
• They suffer from approach anxiety.
• They see this as a random moment, one off thing that they can’t do, rather than a process, and as something to commit to and learn FOR those random moments.

2) Practice

• Putting aside time to ‘practice’ this will really help.
• Decide in advance when you can do this this week? Where? With who?
• Dress well for it.
• You simply need to get comfortable with it. Courage not confidence.

3) Approach anxiety

• First rule is to accept it, don’t fight, resist or feel bad about it. It’s normal.
• Let go of your pride and ego, and accept all possible outcomes from the approach in advance.
• Re-shift the goal of the approach from getting the girl to the approach itself – commit to the process. Focus on getting the skill more than  the girl.
• If you do this genuinely, rarely will it won’t go badly. 

4) Turn around

• Never think that you can get any girl. In fact the rate of turn around is going to be about 25%, when you take out girls with partners (about 50%) and girls who just don’t like you (25%), so don’t approach one or two girls and give up.
• See rejection as mere incompatibility rather than something personal.
• So much of this relies on the girl. Half of the situation and outcome is completely out of your hands. So relax and do what you can.

5) What to say

• It’s not as important as you think as she will respond more to you and your vibe more than what you’re saying.
• Observational comments as conversation starters.
• Being direct.
• During the day a quick reason is usually needed as to why you’ve stopped her to talk to her, whereas at night, it’s not as people go out to socialise. A simple “Hey guys how’s it going?” suffices for most situations.

6) Day approaching

• On the street, sitting down in various places, or in supermarkets/stores.
• Starting with “Excuse me” will get their attention and works much better than a random “Hi”.
• Contextualize what you say to start the conversation, rather than some ill-fitted pre-thought stagnant line.
• Give her a reason for talking to her, so that she is not standing there in confusion, even if it’s just simply that you wanted to meet her.
• Having a couple of ‘fall back lines’ – simple questions that you can follow up a conversation starter with – can help you get over the initial conversation bumpiness during both day and night. 

7) Night approaching

• Being observational at night is great – something about her, what she is doing, wearing, etc.
• People are out to socialize, so keep things simple, just approach and don’t worry about trying to be interesting or unlike every other guy. You are not every other guy, and trying too hard will likely choke you up. Just flow. Again she is relating more to you than what you’re saying. An average approach that happens is better than a perfectly thought approach that doesn’t. 

8) Conversation

• Keep it simple. People communicate on a deep subconscious level for the most part. You do not need to be flashy, or run routines, or tell stories, etc. She will like YOU or not. You will click, or you won’t, regardless. You just need to get more and more comfortable with approaching and talking to strangers so that you can really be YOU.
• Ask about her.
• Keep it short through the day. She is likely out somewhere, doing something. 5 minutes is more than enough to meet her, establish connection, get a number and be on your way.

9) Closing

• The second most common error, after not ever approaching, is that guys simply don’t close (ask for number). They talk all night and then don’t do anything about it, so they don’t see the girls that they meet again.
• Just ask. If she likes you and is single, she will give it to you.

10) My services

• All one-on-one
• Massive improvement guaranteed
• Full 6 week Mega course
• One day/night courses
• Coffee consultations
• Coaching for women
• All information at: www.manicworkshops.com
  

Cheers guys (and girls)! 

Interview with The Real Online Game

I was recently interviewed by online dating expert Joshua Pompey. In it I discuss common mistakes, and simple practical advice on approaching and conversing.

Check it out here: http://www.getrealdates.com/interview-with-chris-manak/

How To Get Over A Break Up And Date Again

A situation that I am being asked about a lot lately is “I’ve just broken up with someone and I’m trying to get back out there, but I’m really struggling”

I don’t know why, but it seems to be the breakup season. In the last couple of months I’ve come across this situation probably 8-10 times. Maybe it’s a summer thing, I don’t know, but I’ve spoken to a lot of people who are confused by their subsequent vanished ability in the dating world.

I think the key thing to remember here is that you’re healing. A very good friend once said to me when I was in a similar situation – “You’re trying to run a race with a broken leg” There is this concept that we hear a lot which is that you should just man up, get back out there and hook up with someone else. OK, there is nothing wrong with that, and I agree that it can be pretty effective, but from what I most often see, rarely does it happen that simply.

If you really cared about your ex, and especially if there was a lot of pain at the end, it will take a lot longer to heal than what anyone who hasn’t experienced it can understand. From what I see, it will be months, perhaps even a year, before you feel properly healed. You will feel numb, empty, angry, confused, all of the above, and obviously these are not ideal states to be pleasantly enjoying the company of someone new. So my advice is to just go easy on yourself – do what feels right for YOU, not what you feel you should be doing. Give yourself proper healing time. Absolutely get back out there, but don’t have high expectations of yourself, don’t pressure yourself – this will make things worse. You’re trying to fill the pit of pain with something which just doesn’t fit. It needs to fill itself in. When things feel tough, when approaching feels like work, when you feel flat, when your dates suck – the worst thing that you can do is to think that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. There isn’t, you’re just human and you’re just going through a tough and emotionally draining time. You will reach a time when you suddenly realise that you’re OK to move on, and that moment will be either a conscious decision, or something that is thrust upon you (i.e. – you will randomly meet someone new and realise that you’re OK to date again).

Most people actually hate the dating game at the best of times, let alone when they’re an emotional wreck.

So on top of allowing time to heal and going easy on yourself, here are some other pieces of advice other than the obvious clichés like “don’t be alone”:

1) Google. Google has right there waiting for you the stories, advice and information from a million people who have been in your position before. Use it. Whatever you’re feeling, Google it. Hearing that other people have been there, have come out of it, and what helped them can really help. Also join forums and groups on the topic – one being my Breakup Support Group

2) Go out. Yes – still go out, but as I’ve just explained, don’t put pressure on yourself to be on top social form. You don’t have to, you owe no one anything. You’re allowed to dwell. Suppression of this I feel will end much worse than allowing yourself to feel it. There is positive thinking (which I do recommend), but then there is also just plain old unhealthy self-delusion. Again I recommend Meetup.com for getting back into socialising as you can attend interest group meetings where you’re already interested in the primary topic of discussion.

3) Use the frustration (and extra time) to work on what you really want. What is it that you’ve always really wanted to do? Where do you see your future? What do you day dream about? You can find passion in things and activities as much as you can in people. If your life consists of waking up at the crack of dawn, going to job that you hate, then coming home and passively sitting around doing nothing – breakups will affect you much more. In fact the breakup might have been a blessing in disguise to make you change that. I find that the people who do the above – who take action to feel better, to improve their lives, and get planning on how to get what they actually want, most often are soon thankful for the breakup.

4) Look into professional help. This can be in the form of pick up/dating coaching which will help you get back out there and shorten the road to recovery, alternate medicine, psychology, etc. If you have the money, your mental health and future are the best investments that you can make. If you don’t have the money, you will find some professionals open to some free assistance (you would be surprised what you can get by just asking). Also the government runs a mental health scheme where anyone can ask their doctor for free counselling sessions which are subsidized through Medicare. I know a lot of people who have found this handy in their hour of need.

5) Journal. Daily journaling (or blogging) is something that I highly recommend anyway, but especially in times like this where venting is good. Use your journal to really express how you feel, especially thoughts and feelings which you may be inclined to hide from others. Journaling is great as it’s an outlet that never tires of hearing the same old thing, which those around you may.

6) Lastly, realise that holding onto hate in the long-term is toxic and will tether you, even if you feel that it’s justified. If you’re unfortunate enough to have experienced a break up in which you got cut a raw deal, know that in good time, letting go doesn’t excuse the other person or their actions, but it does bring you peace. Hate is a reflection of something within yourself, and your faith (or lack thereof). As woo woo as it sounds, I believe that you need to align yourself with love in order to move forward … for you, not for them. Moving on while hating is just moving across, and you will carry that into your future.

Hope that helps some of you in this situation. My heart goes out to you. As hard as it is to see now, with the right outlook and actions it will very likely turn out to be the best thing to have ever happened to you.

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How do I get rid of nerves before a date?

1)      Call me crazy, but I have a very “what is meant to be, will be” mentality, and I go into any date with zero pressure on myself to be impressive. I feel that if something is meant to happen between us, it will – and we will just naturally click. Whether you believe this or not, it certainly facilitates much easier dates. I don’t think dating should be hard, at least not at the start, and if it feels like a big effort, I personally feel that she may not be the girl for you.

2)      As most of you know, I am a big believer in what I call subconscious communication - that deep level of connection and ‘spark’ between people that overshadows all other communication. So in my opinion, being nervous or not – it will make very little difference. If she is on that same wave length as you - that inexplicable affinity that you share with some people, you will connect. With a degree of dating experience, you will begin to detect this compatibility in seconds.

As you evolve and become stronger in yourself, and get more comfortable in your own skin, and start to truly believe your own value, the degree to which you will feel nerves on dates, or really in any situation, will drop significantly. So even if you do manage to cock this date up, you will be stronger for the next.

Thoughts on Inner Game

People are always asking me about ‘inner game’. How to improve yourself internally, how to materialise goals in your head, how to become more this or get more of that, etc. I’ve tended to not go into this too much as 1) It has not been my area of speciality, and 2) A lot of people looking for inner game methods are trying to substitute the physical actions which they know are necessary, but would rather not do.

But here are my thoughts.

It’s more about you than the method

To start, the main thing that I have learnt about inner game it is that, much like infield game or pretty much anything else in life, results are reliant on about 90% the user and only 10% the method. This accounts for the vast differences in results attained from any inner game technique or method. It’s YOU that makes it work, much more than it working for you.

In short, if you really feel that something has value, then it will. If it sits well with you, it resonates with you, and you believe in its effectiveness, then that, whatever that may be, is a great technique for you to put into practice. Either way, you should be constantly reminding yourself that it is the value that YOU place upon the technique, and how YOU put it into use, YOUR discipline, the drive and passion that YOU instil in yourself whilst using it – that is going to be the main factor in how much it helps you.

What do I do?

I get asked this a lot. Personally I make it a daily practice to put aside 30 minutes of time for this stuff, twice a day. First I relax and calm my mind with simple presence meditation – focusing on my breathing and emptying my mind of thoughts as they arrive (here is a great vid from RSD to help with that http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8a5fO8jE7mc – also one of the books he mentions in this, ‘Do You’ is one of the best books I’ve ever read). I generally do this for about 15 minutes, and then spend the remaining time in 5 minute increments thinking about my top 3 goals. The most effective method that I have found is simple verbal affirmations (“I am now …”), repeated over, and integrating visualisation of that goal as I do. Now, people will scrutinise this technique just like any other, but it works for me because:

1)      Because of the beliefs that I forged, through years of obsessive research into the mind/reality relationship. Starting from when I read The Power of Your Subconscious Mind in my late teens, right through till now, I have developed an unwaveringly certain belief that we can use our minds to shape our lives. Without this key ingredient – the belief in this relationship – any recipe for self-improvement is bound to fail.

2)      Because of the results that I have seen from this method in the past – some little, some very significant. In a nutshell, I have done this ‘mind work’ on and off for periods of my life for several years, and the life that I am living now is the life that I envisioned a few years ago almost exactly. Of course – be careful what you wish for, your goals and direction will change as you do.

If you find yourself scrutinising over methods, it’s your faith in this mind/reality relationship which needs attending to, not the methods. As long as you’re spending discipline time guiding your mind towards what you want on a daily basis, and taking action that is in sync with that, you’re on the right path.

Results

Do results come right away? No. But does this practice get me on path to getting the things that I want? Definitely. Do results appear magically out of the clear blue sky? Nope. Does one thing lead to another, which leads to another, which brings me the results that I want, eventually? Yep.

Spending disciplined time each day to mentally focus on a goal, let’s say for example becoming more confident, will not simply and automatically make you more confident. But what it will do is direct your mind towards the things that WILL make those changes. On a scientific level, the part of your brain that finds ‘proof’ of your dominant thoughts – your Reticular Activating System – will open you to possibilities that you may not have even seen before. That book on confidence on the bookstore stand that you would have not even noticed otherwise, you now see and buy. The social, confident people who once intimidated you, you now see as an opportunity and decide to get to know. I do not really believe in a magical force governing this (as per The Secret – although a great, even if cheesy, movie), I simple believe that our minds are incredibly powerful, much more powerful that we’re lead to believe in our culture, and direct us towards the things that which we think about.

And herein lies the reason that it’s very easy to become problem ridden, stressed, depressed in our world. Our minds get so swept up in the chaos of day to day and media life – work, money, murder, famine, GFC, the kids, university – the belief that life happens TO us rather than BECAUSE of us – that it’s very easy to go absolutely insane and feel utterly helpless. Our driver in life – our subconscious mind – in this case becomes a gutter of trash, swirling around and around, rather than having a positive direction.

Relax and go with it

We live in an age where surgeons can perform operations on people under hypnosis and where top coaches and performers, people who have already succeeded, preach the power of the mind. I believe that if I managed to put someone into a deep trance and convince them that touching a refrigerator on a daily basis would give them more confidence, or perhaps even cure a minor illness, it would work. And yet I see guys trawling through ebook after ebook, method after method, to find the magical trick that will certainly make all their dreams come true, discarding one after the other on their quest. I see this a lot – guys approaching a method or technique and demanding its success before they even really giving it a good shot. What happens when you approach a girl with a huge expectation on yourself to make this one specific interaction go perfectly? Yes, you very likely stuff it up. You just have too much riding on it that you don’t relax in the present and go with the flow. As opposed to when you approach with the mentality of “Oh, cute girl, I’ll say hi and see what happens”, in which case it always works out much better. I think that inner game is exactly the same. In an ironic sense, I believe that you need both strong intention of getting what you want, and becoming who you want, while at the same time maintaining a sense of detachment, and not relying on it for your happiness.

Advice 1 – Research

So back to the point, my first piece of advice on inner game would be to simply do your research. You need to understand WHY this works rather than just another method that worked for someone else. If you do not understand or believe how much your mind and thought patterns influence your life, then any success with inner game will be limited and you will not have the discipline to continue. The world is at your fingertips (internet), so get Googling. Learn about how and why you can use your mind to improve your life. Follow what feels right to you and you will carve your path.

Advice 2 – Discipline

In today’s world we’re disciplined enough to go to the gym three times a week, disciplined enough to work hard in the office to make budgets, but we do nothing with debatably the most important thing in our lives – our minds. Like I said, I do my mind work daily, and anytime that I do let that slip and stop for whatever reason, the results are VERY obvious. I start to lose track, get lost, get stressed, motivation drops. Once you find something, a method or technique which resonates with you, give it the time and effort that it deserves. Your faith should carry you through. As soon as you get some results, even minor ones, your belief in your mind’s ability will grow, and then it becomes a fantastic cycle of result = more confidence in the practice = more results = more confidence in the practice. But just like a quick trip to the gym won’t make you huge, your results won’t come over night. You’re likely reprograming a very polluted or habitual mind, and redirecting from a path that you’ve been on for a long time, so give it time. The time in between now and getting what you want is the best time. It’s the time of lessons and growth which will make you a better person.

Advice 3 – Take action

You can’t just sit on a mountain top and pray for things to come. You need to take action that is in sync with the things that you’re desiring and the goals that you’re thinking of. And he bigger the action, the bigger the payoff. If you’re focusing on making more money, great – but you need to take action also. Go buy a book, go ask someone that you know is good with money, review your business plan – anything. Taking action is more important than taking the right action. Remember, once you begin tuning your mind in to your goal, with regular disciplined practice, your intuition will begin to give you hints or little ideas on what actions you can do. The action doesn’t have to be perfect, it just needs to be something.

Find your emotional payoffs

Perhaps you might also have to examine what you’re getting from wherever you are in life now. You’re there due to your choices, and are likely staying there due to some kind of emotional payoff. It’s a tough cookie for any of us to chew. “So you’re saying that I like this shit place that I’m in now?” No, I’m not, but you’re not far off. What I’m saying is that emotions are incredibly addictive, even negative ones. Our minds will do ANYTHING in order for the world around us to make sense. We cling to what we know in order to feel in control. If you’re comfortable in a ‘bad’ place, you better believe that your mind is sabotaging you from moving forward. From example, I think that victim mentalities are the most addictive because there are a ton of potential payoffs varying from not having to take on the responsibility of taking action, to fear of failure, to even maintaining a sense of superiority (“The world is fucked, I see through it all, so I’ll sit over here and watch it all burn down”). Point being, if you’re somewhat interested in improving your life or mentality, but on a very deep level you feel (maybe even unconsciously) comfortable and content where you are, change will be harder. Definitely not impossible, just harder if you’re unknowingly self-sabotaging. So an examination of your emotional payoffs is also very handy for internal change. And don’t mix this up with just positivity. I’m not a preacher of Ned Flanders style ‘happy happy joy joy’ thinking. In fact I think that most contemporary notions of positive thinking are delusional. THE most powerful place to be is also the most negative. It’s the time after you’ve crumbled where you lift your head and go “Fuck this! No, seriously, FUCK THIS!” and you are compelled to do something. Drive is overall THE biggest factor in any kind of change, and when it reaches such a point of either going to top yourself, or DOING SOMETHING, son, you’re about to hit light speed.

Don’t fuck with fate

The last thing that I will say about inner game IS a little woo-woo, and that is, don’t fuck with fate. Sometimes life has in store for you things that you cannot even see. Many times I have pleaded and longed for things which have consistently eluded me, reached depths of unhappiness when what I was chasing trailed off to nowhere … only to realise later down the track that it was not the best thing for me, or that something better was awaiting me. The whys and whats behind this, I don’t know – nor do I really care, I just accept it as ‘is’. Sometimes, you just need to accept and have faith.

Exercise

I would also highly recommend supplementing any inner game endeavour with one of physical exercise. Gym, sport, anything which gets your blood pumping and endorphins flowing. I’ve personally found the two are very much related and beneficial to each other.

Hopefully that answers my thoughts on the matter

Dealing with Approach Anxiety

Approach anxiety is undoubtedly the main problem for most guys when it comes to being able to talk to girls. If you can resolve that, the rest will simply and eventually fall into place. If you’re trying to “cure” and rid yourself of AA, my guess is that it’s going to be a constant and frustrating battle. We as social beings will always be concerned of what others think of us, regardless of how many times you hear “Don’t worry what people think of you” or how many times you say “I don’t give a shit what people think of me”, and thus approaching/hitting on a stranger and putting your balls on the line will always carry with it some degree of apprehension.

The best way to “fix” approach anxiety is to change your beliefs about it. Here are some thoughts:

It’s not ever completely going away, and the sooner you accept it, the better

I would have approached well over 5000 women in my time, and I STILL feel approach anxiety. BUT, I have simply taught myself to work WITH it. Personally I don’t believe people when they say they never feel AA, nor do I believe pickup marketers who offer fixes. I often see guys getting down on themselves because they feel their AA as some sort of disease which they cannot cure themselves of (which of course breeds more negativity and more anxiety). When you start to accept AA as completely normal, and something that arises not because of your own disability but just something that human beings in general feel in that specific situation, you start to feel a lot calmer and self-accepting. That’s when you feel more strength to work THROUGH it, rather than against it – “OK, I feel anxious, it’s natural, what am I going to do now?” is much better more helpful than “Why am I feeling this, what is wrong with me?”

And nor would you want to rid yourself of it. I have actually met a couple of guys who did feel/show zero emotion or fear when approaching. Unfortunately, they also felt nothing when talking to women and rarely connected with them. AA is actually a GOOD thing. If you take away AA, you also take out the raw emotion that charges and electrifies the situation.

Reframe approaching

When you feel strong approach anxiety, I think that you’re focus is misplaced. It’s likely on her, her thoughts of you, the outcome, and the subsequent questioning of your own worth/value … rather than where they should be which is on yourself, your own growth and the ALL of the benefits of an approach. The reframe that took my AA from a pain in the arse to completely tolerable was the idea that each time you do something that you’re afraid of, you become a little stronger, you expand that comfort zone a little more, you learn a bit more to manage the fear that stops you doing ANYTHING, not just approaching girls. So essentially, by approaching that girl in the supermarket or by the bar, yes it’s a pickup attempt, but it’s also a little act which will make you a better public speaker, make you more confident at work, make you more capable of standing up to people, make you more comfortable in your skin – just an all-round better, stronger man. Take a guy who is shy and timid, and have him approach a few women a week for a few weeks. This alone will make him stronger socially and within himself, and he will see the effects ripple to other areas of his life.

When you’re learning to deal with your AA, and you see an opportunity, yes see the girl that you’d like to meet, but also see an opportunity to push your personal envelop a little more. It’s is a great goal that you cannot fail at – your mere attempt is the success bar, regardless of what happens next. Picking her up (if it lands) is a bonus. Then comes the next important part of this – making yourself feel great for hitting that goal.

Hammer yourself with good emotion

This one is huge. Force yourself to feel positive for having just taken action. I personally feel that a HUGE factor in a lot of guys approach anxiety is that they have not found reward in THE APPROACH ALONE. So when they’re  out there approaching and meeting women, and most are going nowhere, the mind tends to go “Ok, I’m not enjoying this. It never even works. Why the fuck am I even here?” … So then what happens? His brain starts to associate nothing but negativity to approaching. And THIS is where AA largely comes from. As a human being, you move towards pleasure. We act to either get pleasure, and/or to avoid pain. Everything that you do in life carries with it some form of beneficial feeling to you. So if you’re out doing something that you hate, for what appears to be no reward, you will almost certainly develop a negative complex regarding it – and you certainly won’t improve. As the quote says “The best way to get more of what you want is to appreciate what you already have” If you start finding reward in the approach alone, if you start to make yourself feel good about the meager little “Hello” that you managed to get out of your mouth, if you start to have faith that your attempts alone with eventually turn to successes, THAT’S when you will start to get more results.

MAKE yourself feel good after each approach. Consciously squash the natural feelings of rejection, embarrassment and failure – simply demand your brain to override them with a better logic. If you focus on only one point in this post, make it this one.

Focus on just the opener

I find that with some digging around in their heads, a lot of guys fear not exactly the approach, but the endless possibilities of things that could happen AFTER the approach. I used to find with myself for instance, when I evaluated what I was feeling, it wasn’t really a fear of approaching, it was more often a fear of having to maintain conversation after the approach – “Fuck I’ll have to talk when I approach her. I’ll have to be on it and charming! What if it’s awkward? Could I really be bothered facing that right now?” … When struggling with AA, I get my clients to focus on JUST the opener – that’s it. THAT’S the goal – to approach and say something, anything, and anything after that does not get the mental energy. Deal with it when and if it comes. The possibilities of what could happen after an approach are so varied and so potentially nerve-racking, that it can really hold you back from approaching. Focus on just your opener, and deal with the rest when/if it comes. The irony is – approaches more often than not go much better with this more relaxed mindset. I read a great article once called (something like) Little Acorns Grow to Big Oaks, and the point of it was that very often even the most random and simple comments can grow into great interactions. The guy wrote about having said just “I like your bag” to a girl next to him at the traffic lights, which turned into him dating her.

Don’t overcomplicate your approach by thinking of more than you have to. She might not even look at you when you approach, and then you’ve wasted time and mental energy by trying to cover all of your bases. And for the most part, whatever you plan for, she will do or say something else. So let it go – focus on just your opener, and (important!) you will develop faith in your ability to roll with it as it comes.

Knowing and accepting your numbers in advance

If you accept the general stats, it can help you deal in advance with the concept of “rejection”. I personally feel that during day game for instance, in GENERAL, 50% of girls will have boyfriends (they will still be nice to you, but it won’t close), 25% just won’t be open to being approached, 25% will land well and will be date options (night numbers would be different). So if you approach someone through the day, and it goes nowhere, more than feeling a sense of “rejection”, think of it as more just a part of the numbers game. And this can very often be deceptive. If for example I gave you a barrel in which I’d put 100 black balls and 100 red balls, and the first 4 balls that you pulled out were black, it would be very easy for you to believe that it’s a barrel of black balls, when in fact that’s just not reality. I have some female friends who are beautiful, top notch girls, and because they don’t go out much, they just don’t meet guys, and they are dying to! The red balls ARE out there – you just need to be prepared to go through a few black ones to find them.

Designating time 

If you really want to “fix” AA, the best exercise that I can recommend is designating time to go out, by yourself, and focus on approaching just one girl at a time. Then do this as regularly as you want. I know in the past when I felt that I was starting to lag and wasn’t meeting many women, I would commit to one approach a day for a few weeks. I would stop in the city on my way home from work, put aside 30-60 minutes in which I had NOTHING else to do (thus all the excuses that usually get you out of it like “Oh I need to be here or there” are gone) and you can focus on it. Some days I would be feeling on it and brazenly pull up a girl on the street, other days I would struggle to just mutter out a question. Some days it would be the first girl that I saw, other days it would take me a few attempts. All I knew was that I was committed to myself, and I would not go home until I’d fulfilled that. For my clients now, I get them to do this at least once a week, and to focus on being more direct with women so that they’re not copping out by asking simple and obvious questions which have no intent behind them at all. Balls on the line! I also think doing this alone will felicitate more growth as you will learn to be your own boss, to motivate yourself, you will focus more on your internal thought process, and you will approach for yourself rather than to appease friends or to boost your ego. I think the real test of someone’s game/growth is when they’re out, going about their life, on their own, and then when they see a girl they want to talk to, they can. No pushing, no safety nets, no ego or state boosting. If you’re more a night person, find good guys that you click with to go out with and apply the same principal.

It’s not “rejection”, it’s incompatibility

This is definitely a belief which is both extremely obvious and helpful once it gets in your head. I remember the exact day when this belief realty sunk into me. A few years ago I was with a client who approached an absolute knock out, a bombshell, and she loved him. They chatted for a while and eventually swapped numbers. No more than 10 minutes later, and just to wrap up the day, he approached an (I’m sorry to say) average looking girl standing outside a store. She verbally raped him, telling him to fuck off. Same approach, same guy, same energy, less attractive girl, and it was horrible. Interesting.

Some people we click with, others we don’t. You can see it as rejection or you can see it as just the way it is. It would be the same with meeting guys – some you’d get along with, some you wouldn’t. I think if an approach doesn’t go well, or doesn’t go anywhere, DON’T get down on yourself and think that she rejected you – she is just not on that same wave length as you. On that deep subconscious level, you’re just different. No better or worse, just different. And our primal animalistic senses can tell that very quickly. It’s why “birds of a feather flock together” – your friends are the best indicator of YOU. If you’re a happy go lucky guy for instance, and you approach a world-hating woman in your happy go lucky attitude, of course it ain’t going anywhere! Is this rejection? No. It’s just incompatibility. And unfortunately, how hot a girl is is not an indicator of compatibility. That’s what makes the amazing girls that you do meet so amazing – true deep compatibility is rare. And thus the numbers element of pickup.

Accept the belief that some women are just waiting to be approached

SO much of this has to do with the girl. I find it funny in the pickup world when people talk about some elaborate method working when the truth is, the girl was likely just open to being approached. In fact she was probably wondering why he was being so technical and weird about it when a “Hello” would have sufficed. Girls work or study, most are 9am-5pm, and for the most part, they don’t go out every weekend. This leaves the guys that they work with or that are in their social group, and a lot of the times, that ain’t much. There are some girls out there DYING to have a nice guy talk to them in the supermarket, DYING to have a nice guy with a standout personality come to say hi to her on the one night a month that she goes out. And again, even if to start you meet a couple of women that are in relationships, or who aren’t open to being approached, or who shut you down, does not changed the FACT that some/many are out there waiting for you! So the same girl that you’re standing there shitting yourself about approaching, may very well be sitting at home every night wondering why she never meets anyone.

How you judge others is an indicator as to how you anticipate people will judge you

This is just a theory of mine based on patterns that I’ve seen over the years. The guys that are most judgmental and critical of other people, generally have more concern about how others with perceive them (read: more AA). At least from what I’ve seen. If you’re constantly criticising people for being weird, dumb, socially retarded, unattractive, etc, this is just a reflection of your own insecurity regarding the same topic and I feel will hold you back. As long as you’re dealing with the world like that, on some level you may feel like the world will deal with you like that. And if you’re focusing on the negative aspects of others, it’s only natural that you feel others will focus on yours. Yes everyone judges everyone, I know, but the more you dwell in it, the more it will hold you back, I feel anyway.

Don’t feel that you have to approach everyone

It’s OK to let some go. It’s OK to go “Ooooh hot girl … eeek, awkward situation” There is a difference between AA and looking at a situation and going “Yeah I’m not going in there”. If you look at a situation and think “That would be so awkward to go and talk to her now” – that’s not AA, that’s just you being a normal socially etiquette person. Just be careful with this at the start. Until you can clearly see and feel the difference, your brain will likely use this as its new favourite excuse to not approach anyone. But once you do start to differentiate, your shutdown/time wasted rate will drop significantly.

Enjoy your life

An obvious but often overlooked one. I reckon that a lot of guys are chasing women to fill a void in their lives. I’ve been there for sure! The ironic thing is that often a step back from women, and a focus on enjoying yourself and your life outside of women, makes meeting women 100 times easier. If you’re wandering around approaching women to fill the emptiness inside you, to overcompensate for a lack inside you, or to forget about an lingering emotional issue, of course you will feel more approach anxiety – every approach may be a girl making you feel even worse, and reminding you of the emptiness/loneliness inside you! It’s a long-term solution to AA, but certainly the most effective one in my books – doing more of what you love means being happier, means being in a better mood, means finding it easier to socialise and connect with people.

How to Deal With Jealousy in Dating

It’s a very common question that I get – “I’ve started seeing a girl, and I get really jealous. What do I do? How do I stop it?”
Something that I see a lot in the pick-up community is this concept of jealousy being the evil of all evils. Various rants about how it’s socially conditioned in us, that it’s nothing but a reflection of our own insecurity, and that it’s needs to be abolished at all costs. The main issue with that (there are many) is that the more you do battle with this natural tendency, the more you distance yourself from your true self. It’s switching off of your emotions, which is the language of your subconscious mind, the indicator of your true self. And this is the beginning of big problems in a relationship on a very deep level. The second that you need to be someone else in order to maintain the relationship, you’re going down what will be a very painful and unsatisfying path. Sure you might have the girl chasing you to start, she will be curious about your detachment and your “strength”, but it will not last. It’s very likely that you will never build a good connection, or you will explode one day when the acting gets too much. Or both. True connection can never be made whilst you’re not revealing your true self, and dissatisfaction as well as more insecurity will almost certainly continue to brew.

My advice is to be more accepting of yourself AS YOU ARE. Anything short of a lobotomy will not stop your jealousy arising. And as I will discuss, nor would you want it to. So your only options are to continue hating on yourself for something that will not change, or acknowledge, accept and even be grateful that this is a part of you, and then decide a course of action.
The key thing to remember is that jealousy itself is not a bad thing – it’s how you REACT to it that is what’s important. Some guys get violently possessive – yes, that’s ugly, no doubt. But you feeling jealous of a girl that you like is natural, even beautiful. It is not some bad habit or a deep seated insecurity. It’s simply fear of loss of something that is important to you. Jealousy is actually a branch of love itself in my opinion. Anyone who dismisses jealousy’s place in the dating world is either completely deluding themselves (probably having read too much pick-up material), overcompensating for a MAJOR sense of jealousy, or is simply not that interested in the girl. The latter is very common in the pick-up community – a guy will start casually dating a girl with whom he feels very little jealousy, and then starts preaching how stupid jealousy is, when the truth of the matter is, he does not see a future with that girl anyway. She is very likely just a simply a time-filler, so he feels no real sense of loss at losing her. When a true love comes along, one of those rare girls who will sit you on your arse – you WILL be jealous. And that’s a good thing. It means that you have something worth holding on to.

One of the biggest “Aha!” moments for me in my pick-up journey was when I realised that a lot of what is considered bad or beta-male behaviour in the pick-up community, women actually really respond to. That is, if you have your other shit sorted i.e. are a normal, balanced person. This includes showing her a vulnerable side, putting her on a pedestal, and it most definitely includes showing jealousy. I withheld jealousy and deluded myself that I was not feeling it for years, costing me real connection with a lot of great women and a LOT of mental conflict.

I believe that women like boundaries because it shows that you actually give a shit, and that they like to feel like they’re the man they loves woman. They want to know that if another guy gets too cosy with her, he will intervene. No woman wants to be with a “Meh do what you want” man. What kind of passion for life or for her does that show? Again, it’s how you react to jealousy. If you get violent and irrationally possessive, it’s very likely that you will drive her away (unless she is that way inclined herself, but that’s a whole other article). But if you don’t react at all, to anything, she will think that you either do not care, or that you’re weak with no personal boundaries. What you want is to be able to accept your jealousy, and act upon and/or discuss it in a mature, direct and level manner. Whinging and giving her ‘no male friends’ rules = bad. Bringing it to the table to discuss it openly, comfortably, in a mature and manly (yes, I said manly) manner = good. Any quality woman will listen and consider your concerns, as you should hers. If she doesn’t, is she worth your time? Respect isn’t hard.

And coming from someone who has experienced both a deep relationship in which I could express myself fully, show when I was jealous or insecure, and still have her love and respect me for it, AND relationships where I have ‘controlled’ my jealousy – the former is incredibly refreshing. It allows you to not only create a REAL connection with someone, but it will improve your confidence, as you will condition yourself more and more to be accepting of yourself, good and bad. This is how you build real self-esteem – not by pretending to be confident and detached from outcome, that is over compensating bullshit, but by ACCEPTING yourself as who you really are. And when two people can do that, with each other, good things are bound to happen.

Why The Game by Neil Strauss is Destructive to Your Success With Women

The Game by Neil Strauss is the gateway to ‘pick-up’ for a lot of guys. The 2005 New York Times best seller exposes the underground, international labyrinth of Pick-Up Artists and Lairs, and offers to men some methodical processes in which they can set about acquiring both the women and the confidence which have eluded them.

The extent to which the events in The Game are or are not dramatized is often up for debate. And much like The Rules, written ten years earlier for women, despite the questionable validity and effectiveness of the advice, it remains a best-selling self-help book.

I would like to delve into why I personally believe that The Game is incredibly destructive  not only to your ability to meet women, but to you as a happy, healthy person.

To start, The Game turns the simple, pleasant activity of meeting women into something that can be likened to a game of chess. But unlike chess where such in-depth analysis and pre-meditation are required, the technicalities expressed in The Game are simply unnecessary. Like all natural phenomenon, lust and love will take place regardless of human analysis upon it. I hear often that a particular opener, routine or method works really well, when in all likeliness, they ‘work’ on women who would have responded well to that particular guy anyway. A simple “Hi, how’re you?” would have probably resulted in the same response. Our subconscious minds scan and read other people in seconds, and your compatibility with someone, male or female, is something that is triggered much more through the simplicities  of your presence, via almost an animalistic sense, than through any elaborate verbal routines. To put it in a sentence – women respond to YOU more than to what you’re saying. The Game places almost all importance on what you say to women, and unfortunately, giving a guy an opening line and couple of conversational routines will not make him successful with women. The woman will still respond to HIM, rather than what he is saying. If he is a negative, creepy guy with an interesting opener, he will still get the response for a negative, creepy person. If he is completely lacking in self-worth but displaying the ‘perfect’ body language and voice tone that he read about in a book, he will still be responded to as his true self. The true self is ALWAYS coming through. And it’s this which needs to change in order to improve your success with women.

The methods expressed in The Game work for those who have already become comfortable and confident in approaching and talking to women. That is the reason they work. If you approach 100+ women, regardless of what you say, you will have become much more comfortable and confident in doing so, and you will have noticed patterns along the way. Women will feel this sense of ease, and in turn feel more comfortable themselves. You just need to develop this ability to relax and talk comfortably, and you do not develop your conversational muscle by pre-meditating and memorising your conversation. In fact, that pushes you further away from the true ability. You become a good conversationalist much like how you learn to swim – by jumping in and keeping your head above the water. But this is much harder and thus less appealing than “Say this, this, then do that”, and people always naturally want to look at the easiest option first. The Game encourages you to have a conversational plan of A-B-C and a pre-meditated strategy for every possible avenue that an interaction could take. This for most guys is neither enjoyable nor helpful in the end as it takes them out of the moment and takes their attention away from the most important thing – the girl. The Game instils in you the belief that you as you are, are not good enough, that you need enough strategies and masks to get by. This does not lead to self-confidence but to self-loathing. And do you really think that the girl doesn’t know your intentions the second you approach her?

Advocates of The Game do not like normal, everyday conversation or questions as they consider them boring and done by “every guy”. Ok, but guys are out meeting and picking up women every day, and night, using simple, normal conversation. And have been for thousands of years. Having a disdain for the natural curiosities and conversation that pops up in your mind is the quickest way for your brain to just seize and for you to run out of things to say. It’s like you rejecting your own brain’s help. Most often when I face the issue of a client “going blank”, I realise that he is putting pressure on himself to be ‘interesting’. Topics for the most part are not boring or interesting – the person delivering them is or isn’t. Even weather conversation discussed by a happy, passionate person will be interesting. There is a natural flow of conversational material that your brain will inevitable provide you once you learn to relax, tune in and listen to it. And this will be interesting as it will come from that genuine place within you, and a woman who connects with you and is compatible with you on that deep level, it will resonate with. Fighting against this natural offering from your mind will turn your brain from your ally to your enemy.

Meeting women relies primarily on attraction. And the main thing with attraction is that for the most part, it is there or it is not. And The Game approach generally elicits interest, regardless of attraction. If a woman isn’t attracted to you, she simply isn’t attracted to you. And this is not to do with appearance but that subconscious vibe or x-factor that connects two people. And regardless of how much shiny shit you wear (peacocking) or how much ‘high value’ you demonstrate, very little will change by way of that gut feeling of attraction inside her. Now, you might very well get her interested, but this certainly doesn’t mean that you will end up sleeping with or dating her. If you’re running psychological analysis on her, yes – she will listen and be interested. Again though, this doesn’t mean that she is attracted to you and when you go for that number, even if you do get it, the chances of her flaking are very high. This often leads to confusion when guys feel they’re ‘killing it’ with women but cannot figure out why they’re not actually getting laid. In short, The Game does not tell you to fix your life, or to work on your self-esteem, or to learn to love yourself, or to appreciate the beauty and simplicity of true connection. It tells you to walk through life playing a game (thus the apt title). It says that women are for the conquering rather than the admiring and accepting. It’s the emotional equivalent of hide and seek.

The beauty of connection is that it’s rare. The Game instils in men the concept that any woman that you approach, you will be able to win over with enough ‘game’. This is an INCREDIBLY unhealthy mindset. You will never, EVER get every woman that you talk to. In fact you probably will never even get 50% considering immediately that a significantly high number of women out there already have partners, and no, will not cheat even if you have ‘mad skillz’. The reality is that there are only a small percentage of women out there with whom you will really connect, especially if you’re looking for a long-term partner. It’s a matter of going through the numbers until you meet those lucky, select few. And if you’re forever trying to be something that you’re not, what happens when you do meet one of these ladies? What happens when you meet someone on the exact same emotional and spiritual level as you … and you start insulating her (negging) because you read in some book that that’s what you’re supposed to do? It’s quite likely that you blow it. She will see in a second that you’re being completely incongruent with the real you, and will either think that you’re trying way too hard (she won’t trust you), or that you’re simply a dick.

But by far my most disliked concept in The Game is the belief that showing interest in a woman, particularly based on her appearance, is poor, unmanly behaviour. I honestly find it hard to dispute simply because I find the notion so stupid, so I leave it to you – go out and approach 5 women with something, anything, related to The Game, Mystery Method or any similar pick-up theory. Now, go out and approach 5 women by telling them sincerely what you think of them; how you find them attractive, what caught your attention, etc. Find the real feelings of lust, love and wonder inside your soul and express them to her. The results will speak for themselves.

So, why? Why do men focus on the technicalities of meeting women? Simply because of the unexplainable variances involved. Some women are warm and receptive right away, some are not. Some women get sexual right away, some do not. Some are shy while some are open. You can get a girl’s number in a minute and have her as a girlfriend a week later, whilst you can also spend all night with a girl only to have her never answer your phone call. We human beings do not like things to remain unexplainable. We are problem solving creatures. And much like the various religions came about from the inexplicable and random nature of life, pick-up folk revert to the “I did this one thing and it worked, so that must be the way that it always works” mentality. Human interaction and compatibility is SO random that no set of rules can explain it. If finding good women was that easy, there would be no pick-up community, no Lairs and no The Game book. Also, we probably wouldn’t have evolved as a society, so be thankful that’s it’s not.

So what are the options?

If men start with these 4 simple things – their success with women is guaranteed to improve:

1)      Improve your appearance. This includes losing weight, getting a nice haircut, grooming properly and dressing the best that you can.

2)      Actually put in the time and effort to go out and meet women. And that means actually approaching and starting conversations, not just waiting around, watching and hoping that something will happen. To learn more about this, read my tips on approaching and conversation advice.

3)      Push beyond friendly chit chat with those women who are responsive. Or in pick-up terms – escalate. If you want female friends, fine, but if you want sexual partners, a girlfriend, or whatever it may be, you need to take risks and actually try to make it happen. Ask for that cool girl’s number, do kiss her on a date, do show that you’re interested.

4)      Commit to all of the above for an extended period of time. This really is an area of your life which requires time and effort, and rightfully so, it’s debatable the most important part of your life. People go to work every day to earn the money for a happy life. They go to the gym weekly to get the health required for a happy life. Health – sorted, Wealth – sorted, and yet SO many leave the Relationships area neglected. It will not happen overnight but if you keep at it, with positivity and resilience, it will. And you will be a much better, happier man for it.

To learn more, read my post on essential factors to improve success.

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Strength in Love & Life

This post may sound somewhat self-indulgent. I don’t care, it’s real.

From the heart of someone who has done most of what a lot of you guys out there are striving to do, if there is only one thing that I can teach, let it be this – BE STRONG.

Life is hard. You think a hangzhou girl not talking to you warrants being depressed, wait till you’re in a relationship and jealousy strikes, wait till you’re working hard and still wondering how to put ends together, wait till you have kids and face marriage counselling, etc.

Strength will get you (through) everything in life, and it’s the ONLY way that you will get solidly good with women in the end. SOLIDLY good that is, not flashy. So you got twelve numbers this week, so you went on three dates and slept with two of them – it means nothing unless you have found that strength inside you that would have dealt with not having any of that. A very attractive man can do all of the above in a day or two. It certainly doesn’t mean that he has kicker where it counts (a lot of really attractive guys are in fact terrible with women, despite having them, for this very reason).

A hangzhou girl gives you a nothing reply, you have a bad night out, you have a hangzhou girl flake on you – you can have a cry and stagnate in self-pity, or you can feel the twist of pain inside you and develop the ability that comes from deep inside your soul to stand up and say “I’m better than this! I deserve more!” See life like a shark – if you stop swimming, you’re dead. You need strength CONSTANTLY to brush off ANYTHING and keep moving forward. Life and goals will sort themselves out in your trail. Lack of strength stops your life force flowing. You get so scared of the pain that you do nothing. If you can’t walk away from a bad approach or a bad night, then you’re not ready for women – cos once you have one (or some), your precious little heart will be shattered. Life knows this, as do you on a deep level, and it will keep away what you WANT until what you learn what you NEED. How you feel right now WITHOUT women is exactly how you would feel WITH women (once the orgasmic glow wears off, which it inevitably does). And if you’ve not found that strength inside yourself to deal with crap, and to face tough times head on like a solider ready for war, you’re going to be buggered in the end either way – be it by her walking all over you, by you STILL feeling as helpless as you do now just in a relationship, by you not being able to deal with the other guys in her life, by you not being able to look after her emotionally like the man that she needs, etc etc.

Use this opportunity to DEVELOP that strength inside you NOW. I developed mine through heart shattering breakups, through thousands of approaches, rejections and shocking nights out. And I continue to do so now facing drama in my life. I’ve had some shit times, but that’s my point – looking back, I can see that my life only ever moved forward, and generally forward massively, when I summoned that warrior inside me that fought his way through. You can spot IMMEDIATELY people who have developed this in themselves. They radiate positivity and enthusiasm. They motivate themselves and others. They have drive and direction, dreams. They face life head on. But ironically, you don’t need any of this to be strong. Strength is the PRECURSER to all of it. If you learn to be strong, you learn the priceless gift of your own abundance. Unless you’re strong, you will never find true happiness in my opinion. You will be forever at the mercy of the elements.

Stop your whinging and bitching. If you complain a lot, if you’re “just a realist”, if you find the negatives in anything that you do – you have two choices. You can continue this path and think back on this in however long that it takes you to realise “Yeah wow, NOTHING has changed in my life” … OR you can decide now to accept that that FEAR – the one thing behind all of this – is OK. That you’re going to feel it and deal with it like a man. Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to feel it and do something anyway. I’m not saying switch off from your emotions. Feel sadness, feel hatred, feel anger and frustration, hell even feel scared! What I’m saying is, own these emotions, don’t let them own you. House them like a tenant – let them in but keep them in check. Don’t let them smash the joint up. Stand up like a man and move forward. Pick up a shield and just walk, cos life will certainly shoot you some arrows. And if you can’t learn to block them during the march, you’re going to be annihilated once you get to the battle.

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Dating coaching is THE quickest way to get over your fears and false beliefs, and to make the correct changes that will see you get success with women. Check out my Services if you’re looking to cut years off the learning curve and start a new life of confidence, happiness and fulfilment by meeting and dating the women that you would otherwise watch walk away.

How to Approach Women

25 Tips on How To Approach Women

1) Look your best

This is an obvious one, yet it is still largely overlooked. If you’re overweight, or are really scrawny, or could use a tone up, spending time at the gym will get you much better results than just approaching, approaching, approaching. If you wear old “comfortable” clothes, buying new clothes and dressing better is THE quickest way to improve your interactions. If your hair is nothing special, go to a stylist and ask their opinion. The second that you approach a woman, she will scan (consciously or unconsciously) to determine if she likes what she sees, and how you look speaks louder than any opener. Often guys who are putting in the time but getting no results have simply overlooked this key point.

2) Think long-term every single approach

Sure you’re meeting girls, but what you’re also doing is learning to conquer yourself, and learning to deal with that fear that stops you doing so many things in your life. Every approach makes you a better, stronger person. You need to condition yourself to see each approach as one thread in a great tapestry. Don’t go out for five hours a day for two weeks and then give up when you don’t get great results. It takes time, dedication and commitment. Condition your mind to think this way, and reward yourself with good emotion and self-praise after ever approach, regardless of the outcome.

3) Learn to be your own boss

There is one person who really cares if you get what you want – you. You need to discipline yourself as would a boss. You need to commit to yourself, for yourself. You need to not accept your own excuses. Would a boss let you lounge around and do nothing when there is stuff to be done? No. Be responsible to yourself and learn to give yourself the respect that you would any other authority. If you want this, YOU need to make it happen. Stop your whinging about your tough day at work, stop your complaining about not feeling motivated, stop trying to convince yourself of your own bullshit. End the victim mentality. No-one owes you anything. Dream it, plan it, do it. You want to get better at approaching? Then do it. Simple.

4) Designate time to go out and practice

Yes, the ideal place to be is where you can randomly talk to that cutie in the supermarket while you’re shopping, and you can get out a “Good morning” to the gal on the train platform (and actually enjoy it!), however, for most guys, incorporating a natural ability to talk to women as they go about their lives takes some time and practice. And the best way, I believe, of getting to that place is to designate specific time to practicing at the start. Even once or twice a week. Don’t wait for motivation, that will come once you take that first step.

5) Day game

Women are everywhere, don’t limit your approaches to bars and clubs. You’re just as likely, if not more likely, to have a pleasant interaction with a lovely lady on the street, in a park, in a mall, at Uni, etc. as you are in a bar. You just need to break the assumption in your head that meeting hangzhou girls this way is not possible.

6) Be genuine

Every approach should count. Every woman is unique and special so every approach should be the same. If you’re plowing through 20+ sets each time you go out, and they’re all blending into one, and you’re getting bored of doing and saying the same thing, I personally think that you may need to shift your aim. You’re not feeling each and every girl. It’s about quality of interaction, not quantity. One real genuine approach is better than five half-arsed approaches in my book. Be real with women. Don’t be lazy. Don’t say the same thing over and over. Invest emotion into every second of every approach. I promise you that your approaches will go better if you do.

7) Accept approach anxiety

Work with approach anxiety, not against it. It is not going away, it’s not changing. The thing that you can change however is your ability to work with it. Use it to your advantage. People pay big money to jump out of planes because it is exciting. This ‘anxiety’ is a raw emotion very similar to excitement. The more that you just accept that it is there, and the more that you feel ok with feeling it, the easier it will be to deal with. Don’t ever hate yourself for feeling anxiety, you will spiral downwards.

8 ) Play within your field, at least for now

A very common thing that I see out is guys wondering why every single girl they approach blows out in seconds, when it is clear as day to me that they’re 4s out there approaching nothing but 9s and 10s. Sure, respect for the effort, and I’m definitely not saying that it’s not possibly, however for the most part, the best way to get a 10 is to be (or become) a 10. And if you’re a guy who has no women in his life, has not yet developed his appearance to its best, no real social skills, and not much of a lifestyle, you will simply not be pulling that quality of women. Funnily enough, those same guys mentioned, I very often see later down the track with a girlfriend well suited to them, whom they’re madly in love with, and no longer want anything more. The best cure for the rockstar-lifestyle-hype is the love of a great woman.

9) Get her attention before you talk to her

Don’t approach a girl and just start talking. I’ve seen confused women literally look behind them after an approach where the guy just started spitting words 100 miles an hour. Take your time, be sure that you have her attention before you start talking to her, give her a moment to register that you’re there. I recommend “Excuse me” and asking how she is before you continue with whatever it is that you are going to say.

10) Your opener is often in the environment

Direct game is growing in popularity. It is still my favourite type of approach for a variety of reasons that I will discuss in the next point, however, don’t become the Direct Machine. Don’t run up to every girl that you see going “Hi you’re cute!” – “Hi you’re cute!” – “Hi you’re cute!” There are very often fantastic conversation starters right there before you, you just need to look out for them. If a girl is wearing something that stands out – a funky hat, bright dress, cool jewellery – comment on that. If something is happening around you, comment or ask about that. If she is looking at something of interest in the supermarket, say something about that. Sure, don’t stay on this friendly level or your conversation will likely go nowhere, but these situations are very common and are much more normal, less pressured, ways of meeting strangers.

11) Be direct

In contrary to the above point, oh direct game, God I love it. If you approach directly, i.e. be honest with a girl about why you are talking to her and what you like about her, 8 out of 10 girls will respond well (if you do it correctly). No canned opener, no faked confidence, no hypothetical situation, just a sincere compliment/comment about someone. You’re a man, you’re attracted to beauty, don’t be ashamed of it. Contrary to popular Community belief, there is NOTHING wrong with showing interest in a girl. It takes a man with integrity to sincerely feel and express this. It’s the natural way of things. I find the key points to successful direct game are: 1) Genuinely FEELING what you’re saying, not just going through the motions and words, 2) Intending to make her feel great about herself if nothing else, 3) Making each and every approach unique, spontaneous and random, 4) Getting to normal conversation ASAP so that she feels no pressure from your initial directness – “So what brings you out on this lovely day?”, 5) Addressing the unusualness and forwardness of the situation (“I know that this is incredibly forward of me ….” Etc.). A simple example in full would be: “Excuse me … *she looks at you* … *you smile* Hi how’re you? … *await answer and get a feel for her vibe… “Listen I know this is incredibly forward of me, but I just really wanted to come back and say hello to you quickly, you look utterly lovely” … *await response* … “I’m Chris anyway, what brings you out today?”

12) Be socially intelligent

“Approach any girl, anywhere, anytime” – the mantra of the social moron. If a girl is clearly hurrying, let her go. If she is in a group of friends, let her go (many will disagree with that, just my personal opinion). If she is loaded up with shopping bags, eating with a friend, deeply engaged in a conversation – let – it –go! If a woman is clearly just being polite to you, looking uncomfortable, tells you that she has a boyfriend, is not interested in you – walk away! It takes a wander around the City on a nice day to see the abundance of women before you, so why be the annoying guy who just “doesn’t get it” when the girl around the corner could be perfect. Like it or not, there is a social etiquette and not seeing that will have you out before you’re even in.

13) Proximity Game

Much like the above point, just be normal. I think new guys tend to be consistently in ‘approach!’ mode often when it is not even necessary. Quite often, simply positioning yourself near a girl, or group of girls, is enough to initiate conversation. If there is a group of girls in a bar, you don’t have to bee-line towards them and burst on in. Simply getting near them will most often present a “Hey guys how’s it going?” opportunity. If a woman is sitting in an open court with a lot of people, and there are spots to sit near her, sure you can get in there directly, but you can also simply take a seat near her and take it from there. I highly recommend this for night game.

14) Give a reason for talking to her if you’ve stopped her

The first thing that a person will think when approached is “Why is this person talking to me?” This is another reason why I love direct game – “I’ll be honest, you just look freaking amazing, I thought I should run back to say hi quickly” – on some level the girl knows why you’re there as well as your intentions. If you approach and just start talking about anything – “Hi, what’re you doing today?” – she might not relax, wondering if you’re selling something, what you want, perhaps even considering her own safety. Even if I get chatting with someone whilst standing around, I like to tell her what I’m up to – “I’m just waiting for a friend”

15) Introduce yourself

Ever found yourself stuck in a situation where you’ve opened about something random, let’s fruit and veg in the supermarket, then it runs dry and you wonder where to take it? I’ve found simply introducing yourself gives a normal, friendly interaction a new, more intimate feel.

16) Make normal conversation

Approaching is not typically very common. Sure men hit on hot women indirectly all day, every day, but to sincerely man up and approach – it happens a lot less than you’re lead to believe. Since it is not a usual occurrence, if you add on top of that weird conversational techniques or bizarre topics (thinking they’re “interesting”) it will likely all just seem too weird and/or scripted. Make normal conversation ASAP. Smooth over an unusual occurrence with something that conveys ‘I’m not mental, I’m totally normal, I’m just ballsy.’ Simple questions and comments – “What are you up to today?, “So what do you do with yourself?” “I love your necklace, that’s awesome” – don’t ever think normal, simple conversation and questions are boring. Topics are not boring, people are boring. An interesting, enthusiastic person will not come across as boring regardless of how mundane the topic is. Remember, you approached her, she was just going about her day, she owes you nothing – it’s up to you to make the conversational effort. If you run out of stuff to say, go back to these basics.

17) The first approach

It has been said/debated before many times, but if you’re designating time to go out and meet women, that first approach will always be the hardest. Once you get that out of the way, regardless of outcome, you will feel a lot looser and the next one(s) will be easier. Know that that first one will be your biggest hurdle, it’s all a lot easier from then on. On a night out, I recommend making conversation with someone ASAP, then you can relax.

18) If you’re talking for more than just a few minutes, shift to number mode

If you’ve approached a girl, she has responded well to you, you’re chit-chatting – ask for her number, or at least decide that that is what you intend to soon do. You don’t have to wait a specific amount of time, you don’t need any specific signs, you just ask. It doesn’t mean the conversation is over. Both day and night. What good is approaching women if you never get to see any of them again?

19) Throw yourself in the deep end

This is my #1 rule. You develop inner strength, comfort and confidence, and conversational ability by throwing yourself in the deep end repeatedly. I.e. just doing it – no over-thinking, just approach and talk. If it lands, great, keep talking. If not, end it and move on. I personally have no idea what I’m going to say to a girl until after I’ve said “Excuse me” Jump in the deep end enough times and soon you will be swimming. You won’t even know how, it will just happen. Just do it, and keep at it. Do you run out of things to say? Keep jumping in the deep end and splashing around, keeping your head above water, until you can swim. It will happen, you just need to keep jumping in. Stop looking for magic bullet techniques. Just do it, and repeat.

20) Rejection is just incompatibility

If I asked you to go out and try to befriend ten guys, how many do you think you would actually get along with? I’m going to say five, maybe. Would you then see the other five as rejection? We just do not get along with some people, God knows why, maybe it’s a deep subconscious thing, either way it’s irrelevant.  Why is it that we can accept the idea of not getting along with some people in general, but not beautiful women when we meet them on the street or in a bar? Yes, if you’re getting shut down consistently, you need to work on your game and/or your appearance, but if you’re getting 50/50, maybe even 75/25 – that’s just human dynamics. If you compound your positive turn around, and allow it to snowball week after week through your dedication, you will have a life loaded with women in no time.

21) Allow your approach to not be perfect

Own your nervousness. Accept the awkwardness. Be confident in your clumsiness. Girls will find a sense of nervousness endearing. It means you’re real. Courage and confidence is not the absence of fear, it’s pushing beyond fear. Fake confidence is very see through, generally coming across as either insecure or arrogant, and will likely make girls wary of you (or just pity you). Not to mention it can make the girl feel that she is just another of your many approaches for that day. It’s ok to be nervous, it’s ok to stuff up – it just makes your approach more natural, spontaneous and real.

22) Accept that much of your result relies on her

If she has a boyfriend, if she is not interested in meeting anyone at that time, if she is just not feeling it from you, there is little that you can do. Next. Stop trying to plow every girl that you speak with, and stop grilling yourself when a girl tells you that she has a boyfriend. Attractive women have boyfriends – simple.

23) Don’t sweat the small stuff

Technicalities such as eye contact, body language, etc. are all just about balance. Too much eye contact is creepy, however too little is awkward. Too much animation makes you look like a clown, however too little make you look stilted. Speaking too fast makes you seem hyper, however too slow makes you seem robotic and boring. Don’t focus on these things unless you’re definitely at either end of the spectrum. It will likely just take your attention away from the most important thing going on – her.

24) Be positive

When you approach, just be light-hearted, positive and enthusiastic. This doesn’t mean jumping around like a clown and grinning like an idiot, it just means making the choice to take it all light-heartedly, to lighten her day and as well as yours.

25) Have something other than women going on in your life

Yes it relates to approaching cos simply, the best way to be attractive is to be happy and enthusiastic about life, and if you have nothing going on in your life, it will definitely reflect in your interactions.

Extra: Flattery

I couldn’t leave this off. What is it about her that stands out? What is it about her that you like? Something in her appearance, something that you’ve discussed, there is nothing more beautiful than watching a girl smile and go giddy about something that you sincerely feel about her. This in NO WAY takes away your power, or makes you seem beta (blah blah blah). Women want to be charmed. They want to be wooed. It takes a real man, a strong man, a man of integrity to step up and go “Damn!”

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Dating coaching is THE quickest way to get over your fears and false beliefs, and to make the correct changes that will see you get success with women. Check out my Services if you’re looking to cut years off the learning curve and start a new life of confidence, happiness and fulfilment by meeting and dating the women that you would otherwise watch walk away.