It’s a very common question that I get – “I’ve started seeing a girl, and I get really jealous. What do I do? How do I stop it?”
Something that I see a lot in the pick-up community is this concept of jealousy being the evil of all evils. Various rants about how it’s socially conditioned in us, that it’s nothing but a reflection of our own insecurity, and that it’s needs to be abolished at all costs. The main issue with that (there are many) is that the more you do battle with this natural tendency, the more you distance yourself from your true self. It’s switching off of your emotions, which is the language of your subconscious mind, the indicator of your true self. And this is the beginning of big problems in a relationship on a very deep level. The second that you need to be someone else in order to maintain the relationship, you’re going down what will be a very painful and unsatisfying path. Sure you might have the girl chasing you to start, she will be curious about your detachment and your “strength”, but it will not last. It’s very likely that you will never build a good connection, or you will explode one day when the acting gets too much. Or both. True connection can never be made whilst you’re not revealing your true self, and dissatisfaction as well as more insecurity will almost certainly continue to brew.
My advice is to be more accepting of yourself AS YOU ARE. Anything short of a lobotomy will not stop your jealousy arising. And as I will discuss, nor would you want it to. So your only options are to continue hating on yourself for something that will not change, or acknowledge, accept and even be grateful that this is a part of you, and then decide a course of action.
The key thing to remember is that jealousy itself is not a bad thing – it’s how you REACT to it that is what’s important. Some guys get violently possessive – yes, that’s ugly, no doubt. But you feeling jealous of a girl that you like is natural, even beautiful. It is not some bad habit or a deep seated insecurity. It’s simply fear of loss of something that is important to you. Jealousy is actually a branch of love itself in my opinion. Anyone who dismisses jealousy’s place in the dating world is either completely deluding themselves (probably having read too much pick-up material), overcompensating for a MAJOR sense of jealousy, or is simply not that interested in the girl. The latter is very common in the pick-up community – a guy will start casually dating a girl with whom he feels very little jealousy, and then starts preaching how stupid jealousy is, when the truth of the matter is, he does not see a future with that girl anyway. She is very likely just a simply a time-filler, so he feels no real sense of loss at losing her. When a true love comes along, one of those rare girls who will sit you on your arse – you WILL be jealous. And that’s a good thing. It means that you have something worth holding on to.
One of the biggest “Aha!” moments for me in my pick-up journey was when I realised that a lot of what is considered bad or beta-male behaviour in the pick-up community, women actually really respond to. That is, if you have your other shit sorted i.e. are a normal, balanced person. This includes showing her a vulnerable side, putting her on a pedestal, and it most definitely includes showing jealousy. I withheld jealousy and deluded myself that I was not feeling it for years, costing me real connection with a lot of great women and a LOT of mental conflict.
I believe that women like boundaries because it shows that you actually give a shit, and that they like to feel like they’re the man they loves woman. They want to know that if another guy gets too cosy with her, he will intervene. No woman wants to be with a “Meh do what you want” man. What kind of passion for life or for her does that show? Again, it’s how you react to jealousy. If you get violent and irrationally possessive, it’s very likely that you will drive her away (unless she is that way inclined herself, but that’s a whole other article). But if you don’t react at all, to anything, she will think that you either do not care, or that you’re weak with no personal boundaries. What you want is to be able to accept your jealousy, and act upon and/or discuss it in a mature, direct and level manner. Whinging and giving her ‘no male friends’ rules = bad. Bringing it to the table to discuss it openly, comfortably, in a mature and manly (yes, I said manly) manner = good. Any quality woman will listen and consider your concerns, as you should hers. If she doesn’t, is she worth your time? Respect isn’t hard.
And coming from someone who has experienced both a deep relationship in which I could express myself fully, show when I was jealous or insecure, and still have her love and respect me for it, AND relationships where I have ‘controlled’ my jealousy – the former is incredibly refreshing. It allows you to not only create a REAL connection with someone, but it will improve your confidence, as you will condition yourself more and more to be accepting of yourself, good and bad. This is how you build real self-esteem – not by pretending to be confident and detached from outcome, that is over compensating bullshit, but by ACCEPTING yourself as who you really are. And when two people can do that, with each other, good things are bound to happen.