Blog - Page 7 of 7 - Melbourne Dating, Pick-up (PUA) And Lifestyle Coaching

How do I get rid of nerves before a date?

The short (and unpopular) answer is that you can’t. But I think the main thing is to accept your nerves rather than fight them. Much like approach anxiety, fighting your nerves or trying to force them away will back fire and make you worse. You need to realise that being nervous in a situation like this is completely normal and universal. It is not a reflection of you as a person. There is a VERY fine line between nervous and excited, and considering that people tend to attract similar people, she is very likely just as nervous as you. Breathe, relax and accept it. Calling a friend right before a date will help to get you in a chatty mood, and a drink or two during the date will further help that. But the two biggest things that help me are:

1) Call me crazy, but I have a very “what is meant to be, will be” mentality, and I go into any date with zero pressure on myself to be impressive. I feel that if something is meant to happen between us, it will – and we will just naturally click. Whether you believe this or not, it certainly facilitates much easier dates. I don’t think dating should be hard, at least not at the start, and if it feels like a big effort, I personally feel that she may not be the girl for you.

Thoughts on Inner Game

People are always asking me about ‘inner game’. How to improve yourself internally, how to materialise goals in your head, how to become more this or get more of that, etc. I’ve tended to not go into this too much as 1) It has not been my area of speciality, and 2) A lot of people looking for inner game methods are trying to substitute the physical actions which they know are necessary, but would rather not do.

But here are my thoughts.

It’s more about you than the method

To start, the main thing that I have learnt about inner game it is that, much like infield game or pretty much anything else in life, results are reliant on about 90% the user and only 10% the method. This accounts for the vast differences in results attained from any inner game technique or method. It’s YOU that makes it work, much more than it working for you.

In short, if you really feel that something has value, then it will. If it sits well with you, it resonates with you, and you believe in its effectiveness, then that, whatever that may be, is a great technique for you to put into practice. Either way, you should be constantly reminding yourself that it is the value that YOU place upon the technique, and how YOU put it into use, YOUR discipline, the drive and passion that YOU instil in yourself whilst using it – that is going to be the main factor in how much it helps you.

Dealing with Approach Anxiety

Approach anxiety is undoubtedly the main problem for most guys when it comes to being able to talk to girls. If you can resolve that, the rest will simply and eventually fall into place. If you’re trying to “cure” and rid yourself of AA, my guess is that it’s going to be a constant and frustrating battle. We as social beings will always be concerned of what others think of us, regardless of how many times you hear “Don’t worry what people think of you” or how many times you say “I don’t give a shit what people think of me”, and thus approaching/hitting on a stranger and putting your balls on the line will always carry with it some degree of apprehension.

The best way to “fix” approach anxiety is to change your beliefs about it. Here are some thoughts:

It’s not ever completely going away, and the sooner you accept it, the better

I would have approached well over 5000 women in my time, and I STILL feel approach anxiety. BUT, I have simply taught myself to work WITH it. Personally I don’t believe people when they say they never feel AA, nor do I believe pickup marketers who offer fixes. I often see guys getting down on themselves because they feel their AA as some sort of disease which they cannot cure themselves of (which of course breeds more negativity and more anxiety). When you start to accept AA as completely normal, and something that arises not because of your own disability but just something that human beings in general feel in that specific situation, you start to feel a lot calmer and self-accepting. That’s when you feel more strength to work THROUGH it, rather than against it – “OK, I feel anxious, it’s natural, what am I going to do now?” is much better more helpful than “Why am I feeling this, what is wrong with me?”

The Game by Neil Strauss is Destructive

The Game by Neil Strauss is the gateway to ‘pick-up’ for a lot of guys. The 2005 New York Times best seller ‘exposes’ the underground, international labyrinth of Pick-Up Artists and Lairs, and offers to men some methodical processes by which they can set about acquiring both the women and the confidence which have eluded them. The extent to which the events in The Game are or are not dramatised is often up for debate. And much like The Rules, a dating book for women written ten years earlier, despite the questionable validity and effectiveness of the advice, it remains a best-selling self-help book.

I would like to delve into why I personally believe that The Game is incredibly destructive not only to your ability to meet women, but to you as a happy, healthy, successful person.

To start, The Game turns the simple, pleasant activity of meeting women into something that can be likened to a game of chess. But unlike chess where such in-depth analysis and pre-meditation are required, the technicalities expressed in The Game are simply NOT necessary. Like all natural phenomenon, lust and love will take place regardless of human analysis upon it. I hear often that a particular opener, routine or method works really well, when in all likeliness, they ‘work’ on women who would have responded well to that particular guy anyway. A simple “Hi, how’re you?” would have probably resulted in the same response. Our subconscious minds scan and read other people in seconds, and your compatibility with someone, male or female, is something that is triggered much more through the simplicities of your presence, via almost an animalistic sense, your ‘vibe’ if you will, than through any elaborate verbal routines. To put it in one sentence – women respond to YOU way more than to what you’re saying.

The Game places almost all importance on what you say to women, and unfortunately, giving a guy an opening line and couple of conversational routines will not make him successful with women. The woman will still respond to HIM, rather than what he is saying. If he is a negative or creepy guy with an interesting opener, he will still get the response for a negative or creepy person. If he is completely lacking in self-esteem but displaying the ‘perfect’ body language and voice tone that he read about in a book, he will still be responded to as his true self. The true self is ALWAYS coming through. And it’s this which needs to change in order to improve your success with women. The methods expressed in The Game work for those who have already become comfortable and confident in approaching and talking to women. That is the reason they work. If you approach 100+ women, regardless of what you say, you will have become much more comfortable and confident in doing so, and you will have noticed patterns along the way. Women will feel your sense of ease, and in turn, feel more comfortable around you (i.e. more open). You just need to develop this ability to relax and talk comfortably, and you do not develop your conversational muscle by pre-meditating and memorising your conversation. In fact, that pushes you further away from the true ability. You become a good conversationalist much like how you learn to swim – by jumping in and keeping your head above the water. But this is much harder and thus less appealing than “Say this, do that and this will happen”, and people always naturally want to look at the easiest option first, even if it’s an illusion.

The Game encourages you to have a conversational plan of A-B-C and a pre-meditated strategy for every possible avenue that an interaction could take. This for most guys is neither enjoyable nor helpful in the end as it takes them out of the moment and takes their attention away from the most important thing – the girl. The Game instils in you the belief that you as you are, you are not good enough, that you need enough strategies and masks to get by. This does not lead to self-confidence but likely more self-loathing, an incessant need to hide one’s true self and one’s true intentions. And do you really think that the girl doesn’t know your intentions the second you approach her?

Advocates of The Game book do not like normal, everyday conversation or questions as they consider them boring and done by “every guy” – but the fact is ‘normal’ guys are out meeting and picking up women every day, every weekend, using simple, normal conversation. And have been for hundreds of years. Having a disdain for the natural curiosities, questions and conversation that pops up in your mind is THE quickest way for your brain to just seize and for you to run out of things to say. It’s like you rejecting your own brain’s help. When I face the issue of a client “going blank”, most often it is him putting pressure on himself to be ‘interesting’. Or funny, or cocky, or whatever. Topics for the most part are not boring or interesting – the person delivering them is, or isn’t. Even weather conversation discussed by a happy, passionate person will be interesting. There is a natural flow of conversational material that your brain will inevitable provide you once you learn to relax, tune in and listen to it. And this will be interesting as it will come from that genuine place within you, and a woman who connects with you and who is compatible with you – it will resonate with. Fighting against this natural offering from your mind will turn your brain from your ally to your enemy.

The Game Book

Success with women relies primarily on attraction. And the main thing with attraction is that for the most part, it is there or it is not. And The Game approach generally elicits interest, regardless of attraction. If a woman isn’t attracted to you, she simply isn’t attracted to you. And this is not just to do with your appearance but that subconscious vibe or x-factor that connects two people. And regardless of how much shiny shit you wear (pea-cocking) or how much ‘high value’ you demonstrate, very little will change by way of that gut feeling of attraction inside her. Now, you might very well get her interested, but this certainly doesn’t mean that you will end up sleeping with or dating her. If you’re running psychological analysis on her, yes, she will listen and be interested. Again though, this doesn’t mean that she is attracted to you and when you go for that number, even if you do get it, the chances of her flaking are very high. This often leads to confusion when guys feel they’re ‘killing it’ with women but cannot figure out why they’re not actually getting dates or getting laid.

In short, The Game does not tell you to fix your life, or to work on your self-esteem, or to learn to love yourself, or to appreciate the beauty and simplicity of true connection. It tells you to walk through life playing a game (thus the title). It leads one to think that women are for the conquering rather than the admiring, that they’re for the band-aiding of your poor self-esteem rather than the supplementation to your cool life. It’s the emotional equivalent of hide and seek. The beauty of connection is that it is rare, and The Game instils in men the concept that any woman that you approach, you will be able to win over with enough ‘game’. This is an INCREDIBLY unhealthy mindset. You will never, EVER get every woman that you talk to. In fact you probably will never even get 50% considering immediately that a significantly high number of women out there already have partners, and no, they won’t all cheat if you have ‘mad skillz’. The reality is that there are only a small percentage of women out there with whom you will really connect, especially if you’re looking for a long-term partner. It’s a matter of going through the numbers until you meet those lucky, select few. And if you’re forever trying to be something that you’re not, what happens when you do meet one of these ladies? What happens when you meet someone on the exact same emotional and spiritual level as you … and you start insulating her (negging) because you read in some book that that’s what you’re supposed to do? It’s quite likely that you blow it (which I see happen all the time). She will see in a second that you’re being completely incongruent with the real you, and will either think that you’re trying way too hard, or that you’re simply a dick.

But by far my most disliked concept in The Game is the belief that showing interest in a woman, particularly based on her appearance, is poor, unmanly behaviour. I honestly find it hard to dispute simply because I find the notion so stupid, so I leave it to you – go out and approach 5 women with something, anything, related to The Game, Mystery Method or any similar pick-up theory. Then, go out and approach 5 women by telling them sincerely what you think of them; how you find them attractive, what caught your attention, that you were just compelled to come and say hello, etc. Find the real feelings of lust, love and wonder inside your soul and express them to her. The results will speak for themselves.

So, why? Why do men focus on the technicalities of meeting women? Simply because of the unexplainable variances involved. Some women are warm and receptive right away, some are not. Some women get sexual with you right away, some do not. Some are shy while some are open. You can get a girl’s number in a minute and have her as a girlfriend a week later, whilst you can also spend all night with another girl only to have her never answer your phone call. We human beings do not like things to remain unexplainable. We are problem solving creatures. And much like the various religions came about from the inexplicable and random nature of life, pick-up folk revert to the “I did this one thing and it worked, so that must be the way that it always works” mentality. Human interaction and compatibility is SO random that no set of rules can explain it. Ever. If finding good women was that easy, there would be no pick-up community, no Lairs and no The Game book. Also, we probably wouldn’t have evolved as a society, so be thankful that’s it’s not.

So what are the options? If men start with these 4 simple things – their success with women is guaranteed to improve:

1) Improve your appearance. This includes losing weight, getting a good haircut, grooming properly and dressing the best that you can.

2) Actually put in the time and effort to go out and meet women. And that means actually approaching and starting conversations, not just waiting around watching and hoping that something will happen. To learn more about this, read my tips on approaching and conversation advice.

3) Push beyond friendly chit chat with those women who are responsive, or in pick-up terms – escalate. If you want female friends, fine, but if you want sexual partners, a girlfriend, or whatever it may be, you need to take risks and actually try to make it happen. Ask for that cool girl’s number, do kiss her on a date, do show that you’re interested, do ask her to come home with you.

4) Commit to all of the above for an extended period of time. This really is an area of your life which requires time and effort, and rightfully so, it’s debatable the most important part of your life. People go to work every day to earn the money for a happy life. They go to the gym weekly to get the health required for a happy life. Health – sorted, Wealth – sorted, and yet SO many men leave neglected the areas of love, dating, sex, relationships. Their ego and pride gets in the way of them improving. If you commit, it will not happen overnight but if you keep at it, with positivity and resilience, it will. Definitely. And you will be a much better, happier, more confident man for it.

If your dating life could use a kick-start, or if you want to really ramp up your game, check out my guaranteed services book a session today.

Strength in Love & Life

This post may sound somewhat self-indulgent. I don’t care, it’s real.

From the heart of someone who has done most of what a lot of you guys out there are striving to do, if there is only one thing that I can teach, let it be this – BE STRONG.

Life is hard. You think a hangzhou girl not talking to you warrants being depressed, wait till you’re in a relationship and jealousy strikes, wait till you’re working hard and still wondering how to put ends together, wait till you have kids and face marriage counselling, etc.

Strength will get you (through) everything in life, and it’s the ONLY way that you will get solidly good with women in the end. SOLIDLY good that is, not flashy. So you got twelve numbers this week, so you went on three dates and slept with two of them – it means nothing unless you have found that strength inside you that would have dealt with not having any of that. A very attractive man can do all of the above in a day or two. It certainly doesn’t mean that he has kicker where it counts (a lot of really attractive guys are in fact terrible with women, despite having them, for this very reason).

How to Approach Women

25 Tips on How To Approach Women

1) Look your best

This is an obvious one, yet it is still largely overlooked. If you’re overweight, or are really scrawny, or could use a tone up, spending time at the gym will get you much better results than just approaching, approaching, approaching. If you wear old “comfortable” clothes, buying new clothes and dressing better is THE quickest way to improve your interactions. If your hair is nothing special, go to a stylist and ask their opinion. The second that you approach a woman, she will scan (consciously or unconsciously) to determine if she likes what she sees, and how you look speaks louder than any opener. Often guys who are putting in the time but getting no results have simply overlooked this key point.

2) Think long-term every single approach

Sure you’re meeting girls, but what you’re also doing is learning to conquer yourself, and learning to deal with that fear that stops you doing so many things in your life. Every approach makes you a better, stronger person. You need to condition yourself to see each approach as one thread in a great tapestry. Don’t go out for five hours a day for two weeks and then give up when you don’t get great results. It takes time, dedication and commitment. Condition your mind to think this way, and reward yourself with good emotion and self-praise after ever approach, regardless of the outcome.

“I don’t know what to say”

This is bar none the most common thing that I hear from clients.

Spending a great deal of time thinking about what to say, I believe, is wasted (or perhaps misguided) energy. You’re considering the wrong thing. It’s like analysing the carriage when in fact it’s the horses that make the carriage go. Guys all too often get into the mindset that they must approach a girl perfectly; perfect body language, perfect voice tone, perfect eye contact and words that roll off the tongue like a Hallmark card. There are many aspects to this topic, but two things right off the bat to consider are in this situation are …

1) So much of pick-up is about the girl. If a girl is in a time in her life where she is open to meeting someone, and you tick her immediate boxes (appearance, friendly, nice vibe, etc), all you ever had to do was present yourself. Elaborate lines and techniques will be entirely unnecessary and in fact may work against you. They may get you attention, even to the point where you think you’re doing very well, but attention is very different to interest. And if a girl is interested in you, and you attempt to ‘play’ her, you will very likely shoot yourself in the foot.

3 Essential Things to Improve Your Dating Life

What is it that stops your normal, everyday guy from having the type of woman, or number of women, in his life that he truly desires? I believe that there are three main reasons. Three things that if attended to, any man would improve his ability with women.

1) Get your appearance up to scratch

This is constantly overlooked in both the pick-up community and general male population. You must get your appearance up to scratch and do the best with what you have in order to stand any chance of being successful with women. Looks count, period. Not for everything, but much more than most guys are willing to accept. A lot of guys, especially in the pick-up community, skip this part and go straight to approaching. But your success really starts well before you even open your mouth. Approaching definitely is great, however unless you’re looking up to at least decent (body, face, teeth, hair, and especially clothing), your return (girls) on investment (time/approaches) will remain low. You definitely do not need to be of model quality, but simply looking the best that you can will immediately improve how women respond to you, even if you’re not approaching and it’s only those in your social circle or at work.

2) Get out there and make it happen

The concept of going out to intentionally approach and meet women for most men is still something completely foreign. Most guys know that it could happen if they go out, but never put in any conscious effort to actually make it happen. They expect it to “just happen”. They do not designate time and effort into proactively meeting women. In short, they wait on fate.

Women are everywhere: bars, clubs, parks, streets, supermarkets, shopping malls, beaches, etc, and all of the single ones want to meet someone. At any point in time you can literally stand up and go out and meet someone. It may not be the first girl that you meet, nor the second or third, but if you commit to it and push through any sense of shame and anxiety in approaching, you will find yourself a lovely lady.

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“I don’t know what to say”