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Dealing with Approach Anxiety

Approach anxiety is undoubtedly the main problem for most guys when it comes to being able to talk to girls. If you can resolve that, the rest will simply and eventually fall into place. If you’re trying to “cure” and rid yourself of AA, my guess is that it’s going to be a constant and frustrating battle. We as social beings will always be concerned of what others think of us, regardless of how many times you hear “Don’t worry what people think of you” or how many times you say “I don’t give a shit what people think of me”, and thus approaching/hitting on a stranger and putting your balls on the line will always carry with it some degree of apprehension.

The best way to “fix” approach anxiety is to change your beliefs about it. Here are some thoughts:

It’s not ever completely going away, and the sooner you accept it, the better

I would have approached well over 5000 women in my time, and I STILL feel approach anxiety. BUT, I have simply taught myself to work WITH it. Personally I don’t believe people when they say they never feel AA, nor do I believe pickup marketers who offer fixes. I often see guys getting down on themselves because they feel their AA as some sort of disease which they cannot cure themselves of (which of course breeds more negativity and more anxiety). When you start to accept AA as completely normal, and something that arises not because of your own disability but just something that human beings in general feel in that specific situation, you start to feel a lot calmer and self-accepting. That’s when you feel more strength to work THROUGH it, rather than against it – “OK, I feel anxious, it’s natural, what am I going to do now?” is much better more helpful than “Why am I feeling this, what is wrong with me?”


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Strength in Love & Life

This post may sound somewhat self-indulgent. I don’t care, it’s real.

From the heart of someone who has done most of what a lot of you guys out there are striving to do, if there is only one thing that I can teach, let it be this – BE STRONG.

Life is hard. You think a hangzhou girl not talking to you warrants being depressed, wait till you’re in a relationship and jealousy strikes, wait till you’re working hard and still wondering how to put ends together, wait till you have kids and face marriage counselling, etc.

Strength will get you (through) everything in life, and it’s the ONLY way that you will get solidly good with women in the end. SOLIDLY good that is, not flashy. So you got twelve numbers this week, so you went on three dates and slept with two of them – it means nothing unless you have found that strength inside you that would have dealt with not having any of that. A very attractive man can do all of the above in a day or two. It certainly doesn’t mean that he has kicker where it counts (a lot of really attractive guys are in fact terrible with women, despite having them, for this very reason).


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“I don’t know what to say”

“I don’t know what to say”

This is bar none the most common thing that I hear from clients.

Spending a great deal of time thinking about what to say, I believe, is wasted (or perhaps misguided) energy. You’re considering the wrong thing. It’s like analysing the carriage when in fact it’s the horses that make the carriage go. Guys all too often get into the mindset that they must approach a girl perfectly; perfect body language, perfect voice tone, perfect eye contact and words that roll off the tongue like a Hallmark card. There are many aspects to this topic, but two things right off the bat to consider are in this situation are …

1) So much of pick-up is about the girl. If a girl is in a time in her life where she is open to meeting someone, and you tick her immediate boxes (appearance, friendly, nice vibe, etc), all you ever had to do was present yourself. Elaborate lines and techniques will be entirely unnecessary and in fact may work against you. They may get you attention, even to the point where you think you’re doing very well, but attention is very different to interest. And if a girl is interested in you, and you attempt to ‘play’ her, you will very likely shoot yourself in the foot.


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