Here are, in my opinion, the top 15 roadblocks that men face when trying to improve their success with women. Note that these are not in any specific order, and there is no judging in any of these. If you’re experiencing them, fine. Most of these I have been through myself at some point and have seen many men deal with. As always, entirely my opinion.
A product of the pick up community, I think a lot of guys feel they need to be ‘too cool for school’ in order for a woman to like them. This stems from thinking that you’re not enough, that you have no value, that you can’t imagine why a cool girl would possibly like you for you. People always read the person doing the communication more than the communication itself. I call this subconscious communication. So unless you’re naturally cocky, desperate attempts to be so will be seen through at best, annoying most often, and insulting at worst. And not the cool kinda insulting where you ruffle people up, more likely just the ‘you’re a social idiot, please get away from me now’ type of insulting. As discussed in the talk, don’t change who you are, and if you naturally enjoy taking the piss, please continue. I do :-) But drop the ‘negs’ and need for cockiness. The woman/women that are perfect for you will be very similar to you. So don’t fuck it up with them by trying to be something that you’re not.
2) Dressing like shit
This is buying into the commercial hype of ‘looks don’t matter’ which is the easiest way to sell a book or product to people who can’t be arsed making the effort to look their best. People what to hear that they can get girls with little to no effort, thus the proliferation of this belief. The #1 way to improve the amount of attention that you get from women is to look better. It’s undeniable in my opinion. But does it count for everything? Absolutely not.
3) Continually getting friends-zoned
If this is a repeating thing, you’re likely not being genuine in your intent when you’re meeting women. You’re not speaking your mind enough, you’re not following through on what you want from the situation, you’re being too ‘nice’ and safe. For some guys it might also stem from their lack of confidence around escalation (so essentially, you’re popping yourself into the friends-zone).
4) Bringing no value to the table
For the most part, you’re going to be dating within your ‘league’. If you want a better ‘quality’ of girl, then you need to up your own quality. I think some people see dating as a right, something that should just happen to them, rather than something to be worked for. Work on yourself, learn, read, do courses, expand your mind. Work on your lifestyle, set up plans to get what you want in life. Increasing your own value, even simple things like confidence and happiness carry massive value, will hugely improve the turn around you get from women.
5) Being too idealistic about a girl they meet
It’s very easy to mistake neediness for love, and I see very often a guy getting intensely wound up girl over a girl that he has barely knows, convinced that she is/was “perfect for him”. When you meet a girl that you really like, your brain will shut out the bad parts. Be a little more aware of your decisions in this period. If she is behaving in a manner that you do not like, see it for what it is. Don’t build a house on sand, and don’t delay your growth for something that is likely an illusion.
6) Not approaching
The #1, it’s that simple. If you want to win the lotto, you have to buy more tickets. Lots of guys are waiting for this to feel ‘natural’, so they wait and wait, and try every avenue of meeting women, ACCEPT the one that requires the most amount of balls, and the one that will get them the most immediate and best results – going out to approach and talk to them.
7) Ego and being a player
Guys forget why they got into this, and rather than embracing the experience of a good connection with a cool girl, their ego and instability take hold and they chase the illusion of being some ‘mad player’. That’s not to say that wanting to experience a lot in dating is bad, it’s great, but if you feel like a mouse on a wheel, you’ve got to at some point, look at why you’re running.
8) Believing that they can’t show interest
This is a product of the pick up community – that showing interest in a girl is some kinda ‘beta behaviour’. The truth is, there is nothing more manly than showing intent and interest in a woman. It shows confidence, integrity and will keep you out of the friends-zone. Again it’s not what you’re communicating, it’s how you’re communicating it, and more, who is doing the communicating. If she gets weird with you showing interest, it’s likely because you feel weird about doing it, or she just ain’t a match for you. Own it. It’s the most natural thing on the planet.
9) Not understanding state
Guys often assume that they have no ability to meet and talk to women, when the reality is, it is simply that they don’t understand how ‘state’ works. When you walk into a bar, or an event, or whatever, your ‘socialising state’ is low. Once you get talking to someone, anyone, the cloud will lift and you will feel MUCH more social. Guys who are good with women, and even just good with people in general, understand this and thus, can muster up the effort for those first couple of interactions, knowing that they will feel better once the ball is rolling. Should you rely on a good state to be able to talk to people? No. Should you be aware that that’s how your brain operates? Yes.
10) Having no sexual idea
Being crap in bed is a pretty quick way for a girl to be disappointed in you. It can also sabotage you from the get-go. If you fear the end, you will feel subconscious resistance the start. You don’t have to be Don Juan DeMarco, but you do need to at least know female anatomy and how it works. As discussed in the talk, just Google that shit.
11) Stopping their growth once dating
This is all too common – guy meets girl, ‘settles down’ (I hate that term), and stops growing. She likely fell for him because he was a passionate, growing and learning. You must keep developing in a relationship, and not for her, but for yourself. Don’t stagnate.
12) Not closing
Another all too common one – guy is going out to meet women (awesome), but simply doesn’t ask for their phone numbers, so none of his efforts ever result in dates. There are no tricks here, it’s simply “Hey you seem really cool, I’d love to flick you a text sometime, I should grab your number” Even use Facebook if you’re more comfortable with it. Just – do – it.
13) Not committing to the path long term
Nothing saddens me more than when a guy wants to/needs to get better with women, so he goes out for a week, or a month, and then gives up. This is just like anything else, let’s take the example of learning to play guitar – you can pick up a few things quickly, but to get the real lessons, it requires some time and commitment. Don’t see it as unwarranted effort, see it as a very worthy path. Learning to be good with women in general will enhance future relationships (romantic and otherwise).
14) Spending too much time online
Online dating is a great tool. The issue is, it’s so easy that it doesn’t force men to face a lot of their confidence issues or improve their interacting. I’ve met many men who spend night after night online, and who go on multiple dates a week for months on end, even years, but don’t find themselves a good girl. I personally feel that it’s because it requires little effort or growth. Being proactive is great, it’s WAY better than nothing, but it should be a tool in your toolbox, not the only tool that you have.
15) “I don’t know what to say”
I think guys often hold on to conversations too much. They get talking to a girl who responds well to them, and they don’t want to let that go. The idea of the conversation trailing off and them not getting anything from it kills them, scares them, so they cling desperately to it as though their entire life depends on it. You see this often in bars when a girl is nice to a guy, so he then proceeds to cling to her till 3 AM when she finally bails in a taxi with her friends. Firstly it is indicative of where you’re at. If you’re feeling that desperate for a conversation with a girl to have an absolute, clear and positive ending, then you’re living in scarcity. But what do you do about it? To start, as discussed, conversation is like a muscle. If this is happening, then you’ve likely just not had enough conversations to strengthen that muscle to an easy, free flowing ability. Secondly, don’t be that guy to cling to a girl all night. It’s annoying. It’s ok to walk away. If she is in a venue, she ain’t going anywhere right away. Go back later. Or if you feel it coming to a close, get her number and carry on with your night. Yes do your conversational duty, resist that urge to run off right after saying hi, stay, talk, fill in those silences, make it easy on her to talk back to you, but don’t grasp onto it. Sometimes less is more.